TwentyOneTen

My unnatural fears and the effects there of

You have to imagine that the more awesome the meal the better it is going to be letting go of it later that day. Well at least that is how I see it. I will go so far as to try and make myself feel like food I know will be just awesome to push out later. You know you are going for something epic when the thought to phone the sewerage plant downstream to warn them of a larger than normal delivery. Oh whatever, you know for a fact that you have sat down, gave a push and thought to yourself, I feel a few kilos less now. Your ass is ringing from the amazing feat it just performed and is slowly starting to go back to its normal shape. You wipe the odd sweat drop that has now formed and you try to recall the foods you ate and the order so you can recreate this euphoria again. So if releasing your products is often such a pleasant experience, why is it that when you enter a public toilet you are met with a scene from a horror movie Hollywood wont release?

You just know you are in for a treat when you open the door to the bathroom. You are met with a very distinct vinegar, acid and chocolate covered peanut smell. Normally when there is all three is when I feel like rather closing the door, rolling up the foetal position outside the bathroom and just waiting to die. Unfortunately I am both young and awesome, so I am probably only going to die in a few years so I have to suck it up and just proceed. Normally I hold my breathe in the bathroom when its just for tinkle form my northern star. I have almost timed the entire dance so that I am at least 5 meters from the door before I have to take a breath. Imagine I applied the same amount of effort to something of importance; I could be a schoolteacher or an astronaut. I digress. When its time to play battleshits, I prefer to take my time and come up with a bit of an action plan. You don’t want to just burst into the area, pull down your pants, sit and begin. You want the whole thing to feel like the waltz, just you, your ass and your insides.

You want to take your time so that you don’t push to hard or pinch to early. There is the perfect time to do both and it’s not something you can rush. Over my years of trying to avoid public toilets, or toilets in others houses, I couldn’t help but notice certain things. There is a varying array of people and things that they do within the loo or leave next to the loo. You can tell a lot about what the person is about to do by the walk and focus they place on the approach to the toilet. The guy that has sort of a casual walk and is looking around with a smirk, he is going to be spending at least 20 minutes reading the paper and pushing in a relaxed calm effort. The guy that is leaning forward, mostly looking and the ground with quite some speed is going to sit down, start pushing like his ass is a drag strip and he wants all of his insides to finish first. You would imagine that this is a bad thing, but no. The generally are worried about time and so eat correctly so that when they push it comes out firm and fast. 5 min in and out!

This is where I need to take a few steps and start to introduce to you what happens at a sewerage plant. At first you are going to be shocked and to others it’s going to be a confirmation of what you already knew and have a euphoric feeling come over you. When you flush, you walk away and assume that your insides on the outsides are going to have a nice journey to the black hole. I am about to demystify this journey for you! Through the pipes your inside outs are routed through a very complex pipe system run by moles, yes the blind rats. They say as you loose a sense others are heightened to compensate, well that’s why moles run this system. They are able to smell a shit from 7km away and so you only need to employ a few to cut down on costs. As they identify the smell, they decide on a route that it should take and then route your crap accordingly. As it travels through and gets closer to its final destination, the speed needs to be reduced in order to process the items accordingly, you don’t want a piece of crap travelling at 700km/h coming towards you.

This is when the real workers of the modern world come into play, the smurfs. Yes, the smurfs run our shit processing machines. Oh you thought they were just a cute bunch of things created by a pot smoking man in the garage of his mothers house? You know when people say they see a light just before they die? Well when I was flushing my cat down the toilet the one day, he came back three weeks later to tell me of the things that he has seen. This is why I know as much as I do about the topic. Luckily I remembered to first feed my cat poison before flushing him later that day. I digress. In every relationship you have a catcher, a catcher is the person who gets all the shit jobs, don’t pardon the pun. Let me introduce you to one of them.

See the one biting their nails? The three of them are catchers, the one on the far left is cleaning correctly, the one in the middle that you thought was biting its nails, its actually cleaning them! You don’t see many happy faces here do you? This photo was taken at the security briefing before a local curry cooking competition that was going to occur later that day. So why smurfs? And why are they blue? Brown on a blue surface really sticks out, so its easy to spot when you have missed a spot whilst cleaning, it actually all makes sense cause the jeys fluid is blue so they are simply dyed that colour. Ok, so we need to feel bad for these creatures, firstly because they have a shit job and secondly, you sometimes don’t make it fun. You see a while ago puppa smurf commissioned that they need to come up with a more effective way of getting the poo into smaller more manageable pieces. The moles were confident that they could trick squirrels into trying to get the nuts out of it and thus breaking it into pieces, but it turns out that squirrels and whining little bitches!

Bloody the blood thirsty smurf created a supersaw which looks like a chainsaw, but is a lot smaller so that the smurfs can use it and doesn’t have a chain but is rather made out of the dried foreskins from all the male smurfs. This explains their squeaky voices and bloody the penis blood thirsty smurf got his name. I have always wanted to write them a letter telling them that they probably could just use a chain and save themselves a lot of pain, but I don’t know how to talk in a southern American accent so it wont work. So when your crap arrives and its in a nice long piece, this is when the smurfs are able to use the supersaw. It must be so cute to see the smile appear on their faces when they come across a wholey! They rev that sucker up and start to tear into that shit. So basically, a small dietary change on your part brings happiness to so many little blue things.

Then you get the people amongst us that have total disregard for this, why else would they do what they do. You know when you walk into the stall, look down and see what can only be described and a shit suicide scene that CSI is too posh to cover. Its even different shades of brown with yellow highlights streaking throughout and a very distinct smell like blended up rat and pawpaw with a hint of lime. What I don’t understand is how they manage to get so much glue or gum into their diet. Cause you can stand there for a good 12 flushes without a single improvement. The only thing that happens is you making it look more and more like a lava overflow has occurred as it slides down a little leaving a brown streak after it. If you have done this, blind flushed and walked away you are a murderer. Firstly you murder the ability for anyone else to take a glorifying out of my body experience and secondly, you probably murder about 12 smurf catchers who get sprayed with this goo. Sure, your crap alone wont kill them, but there is a troop of smurfs that run a death squad that execute catchers that are deemed too dirty to clean!

But how do I spot one of these people, how can I know so that in my mind I can imagine executing this person. Normally they are the ones leaving the toilet with both a confused and relieved look. They are not sure if they whipped enough and should rather play it safe and go home for a shower. There is clear regret for all the fired food they shoved down whilst drinking curry sauce the night before. Not only do you offend my nostrils but also you murder smurfs! Next time you decide that you need to destroy a toilet, rather keep it inside to rot a little more and hopefully the gas alone will kill you via an aneurism of the arse.

This is all very revealing and important stuff, but I still haven’t really covered how this all effects my everyday life. I have tried to group my fears in life into different categories with a general main topic under each. For example, death, gastro and boredom are main topics and underneath these are items or fears associated with them. So under death is horses, gastro is germs, toilets, old people and cats. So as I meander through every day I have to confront these things, look for the primary topic and then look out for the actual fear and avoid it. So you see a toilet sign and feel relief, I see a toilet sign and start weigh up the risk vs return. Visiting with old people as a chance to get some wisdom? I see an array of new super bugs that have had time to fester before infecting me. You see a challenge, I see a very long and boring journey you are going to drag me down. I am not saying that I am smarter than all of you, what I am saying is that I am probably smarter than 98% of you and on par with the rest.